Recently I was asked to share my experience on the topic 'where is God when it hurts'.

My experience with hurt is going to be different than anyone else in this room, than anyone else in this world. My experience with hurt is what God has allowed in my life, I believe, to pull me closer to Him.

One of my most painful life experiences would have been the loss of our first baby. I know that everyone responds to hurt in different ways and others even in my own family couldn’t understand why I was as devastated as I was. People do respond uniquely and individually to pain. We all have our own ways of dealing.

I don’t know the reason for my miscarriage and I don’t really want to get into a discussion about the source. I do know the agony I felt. I do know my heart was broken. I had honestly not dealt with a lot of pain in my sheltered little life. What I had gone through had done nothing to prepare me for that kind of pain and disappointment. And even though I prayed God still did not remove the painful circumstance.

In my hurt I cried out to God with some pretty angry words. You know what – He listened patiently. I was probably pretty irreverent at times. He could handle my open raw honest reaction to pain – my really big questions. Why? Because He loves me. He wants to have an open raw honest relationship with me. I can come to Him with tough questions. He can choose to answer or not, but at least I know I can come. I find it interesting that even Jesus, before He was crucified asked if there was another way.

Psalm 22:1-2 (NLT) My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me? Why do you remain so distant? Why do you ignore my cries for help? [2] Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief.

Open, raw, honest.

How did I deal with my pain? Well I got pregnant again pretty well right away. That didn’t help. I spiraled into a depression and I avoided that reality for a long time – too long really. Eventually I got honest with God and myself. I accepted the help that was offered through anti-depressants and a wonderful Christian counselor. She had been through some pretty devastating experiences herself and I learned how to trust her. I was afraid she would be afraid of my questions. For real. I was a pastors wife and that entitled me to that little book of answers, right? Actually there is no such book. I asked. No book.

I started to look at my baby girl with a love and desire to connect with her. That was something that had eluded me. God allowed me to use my painful experience to show compassion for a friend that lost twins. He also gave me a song entitled ‘Heaven’s Nursery’, which brought me further down the path to healing and to hers.

Slowly joy returned to my heart as every day seemed a little lighter. Of course I still had my down days, but they were fewer and further between. I came out of what felt like a fog of pain and darkness and recognized the joy. It was different than being ‘happy’. Happy actually felt false to me because I had put it on as a mask for so long to hide behind. I just felt different – content.

I was content not because my life was great, my circumstances awesome. I was content because my God was awesome. He was my security and my surroundings weren’t. I trusted Him. I truly trusted Him. How He chose to work the healing process in my life wouldn’t have been my idea of “HIS WAY” but it worked.

I believe that God brought that counselor into my life not just to deal with the pain and depression, but to uncover deeper roots of dissatisfaction I had been living with. I experienced His love through her. She and God were both patient as it took time for me to turn to God and ask for help.

My depression made me numb and God became my “Joy”, or sensation. He taught me how to feel again.

Going through pain actually helped me become a more complete person. It stripped away my falsehoods. For this I am truly grateful. In some crazy way my suffering has actually become a source of pleasure. Some of you may wonder if I am a little nuts. Others can relate.

Suffering should have a little beware sign posted on our life’s path. Why? We can allow suffering to become our identity. A life long pitty party can ensue and we may never move along. We may begin to believe that only through suffering we can be close to God. Does God want us to live in our brokenness? To remain there? No. He wants us to trust him in our brokenness and to allow him to walk with us on the healing road. Maybe He is the healing road.

When we are the cause of our suffering we don’t want to go to God
God did not pull away from me but I pulled away from him. He did not leave me. He was seeking me and I just wasn’t ready to respond to him.
I had a part to play in my suffering.
The miscarriage wasn’t my fault, there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. However I believed a lie that perpetuated me down the path.
I still have days when I am faced with the prospect of losing hope, looking over the edge into the pit of despair. Where is God then? As I lean over the edge and look down He is holding my waist gently coaxing me back. He reminds me of what He has to offer - hope. He reminds me to trust Him. The spiral into the pit of despair is broken as I am drawn to the light of my God.